Groan XI

This page last updated: 13 August 2002.
A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, there's something up my bum and I can't quite get hold of it."
The doctor tells him to take off his trousers so he can have a look. "It looks like a gossip magazine, do you want me to take it out?"
"No that's OK."
What did the inflatable teacher at the Inflatable School say to the inflatable boy who brought a pair of compasses into class?
Not only have you let me down, your school down, and your class down, but you've let yourself down.
Man goes to the cinema and is sitting watching the film when he realises that the man in front of him has a dog sitting on the seat next to him. The dog is not creating a nuisance so the man decides to ignore it.
The film is a feelgood drama. The man notices that in the sad parts the dog in front of him is crying and during the funny parts it is laughing.
During the intermission the man leans forward and taps the dog's owner on the shoulder
"I'm amazed at the way your dog has been reacting to this film."
"Me too", answers the dog's owner, "he hated the book."
A posh man is in the woods with his rifle, and stumbles across a naked lady pouting sexily and beckoning him closer.
"Good Lawd," he exclaims. "Are you game?"
"Oh, yes," she purrs.
So he shoots her.
Q: What time does Saddam Hussain have his dinner?
A: The same time as Tariq Aziz.
A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks. "No, thanks," replies the artist, "I've got one 'ere."
A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see you, she's £100 in arrears."
Q: What's white and shuffles across a nightclub floor?
A: Come dancing.
So this chap hears a knock on his door.
It's a bit late at night but he opens the door and is surprised to find a 6'6" ladybird standing there. This ladybird kicks him in the groin and as he bends forward, the ladybird hits him on the back of the head hard and then sticks the boot in several times.
The man comes to and the following morning with one hell of a headache goes off to his doctor. He explains what happened and asks for a check over and if the doc knows what on earth it was all about.
The doc getting his stethoscope ready says, don't you worry, it's probably just a nasty bug that's going around.
Telephone: Brrrngg, brrrrr
Husband (picks up phone) : Hello?... WHAT! Ya don't say! REALLY??! Ya' don't say!... Ya' dooon't say! (Puts down phone)
Wife: Well, who was it?!
Husband: He didn't say!
A new nurse listened while Dr. Bryce was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."
Last night a WH Smith van was hijacked by robbers from a car park at Membury service station. The truck was later found in Bristol empty of its cargo of files, staplers, folders and holepunches. Police suspect an organised crime gang.
A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"
The pigmy said, "Yes."
The hunter asked. "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"
Said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 260 of us."
A lorry load of human hair being to taken to a factory to be made into wigs was stolen today. The thieves crashed the lorry. Police are combing the area for clues.
Vandals broke into Milton Keynes police station last night and destroyed the toilet block. Police say they have nothing to go on.
Q: What do you call a Russian LAN that's gone awry?
A: A nyetwork!
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For all you fitness fanatics!!! Special exercises to stay fit at your desk.
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Page Up...
Q: What do you call a pig with 3 eyes?
A: Piiig.
Two lorry loads of eggs and milk crashed in Croydon yesterday. Police have taken the drivers into custardy.
The convict was in a work party rebuilding a wall and a bucket of cement fell on him. He was in danger of becoming a hardened criminal.
An Australian tourist couldn't wait for shore leave in the Big Apple. He lost not time in picking up a hooker and bringer her back to his hotel room. Asking her to undress, he proceeded to lean the bed up against the wall and toss every other article of furniture out the window.
"What on Earth are you planning to do with me?" asked the hooker nervously.
"I'm not exactly sure, ma'am," answered the Aussie, "but if it's anything like it is with a kangaroo, we'll need all the room we can get."
A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."
There's this Scotsman parading through his local shopping centre wearing nothing but a single wellington over his dick. A policeman grabs him and says "What do you think you're doing?".
He replies "Och! I'm jus' f!*kin' a-boot".
Long John Silver hops into an ear piercing parlour.
"How much will it cost to have both my ears pierced, me hearty?" he asks the ear piercer.
The ear piercer looks up in amazement, and cries "It's a buccaneer!"
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help" he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."
She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed.
"Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
A guy is feeling depressed and goes for a walk on the beach. He finds an old bottle on the shore, and when he picks it up a spirit comes out and says, "You look tense. Would you like a good back rub?"
"Well, actually, I'm depressed because I'm so broke. I wish you would give me a million dollars instead."
"I can't do that, but I can give you a back rub."
"Aren't genies supposed to grant wishes?"
"I'm not a genie. Does that look like an oil lamp? And you call what you did rubbing it? I'll show you what a real rub is!"
"If you're not a genie, what are you?"
"Haven't you ever heard of a massage in a bottle?"
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