Groan X

This page last updated: 31 January 2002.

There was a road accident yesterday involving two vans from rival pet shops. One was carrying tortoises, the other terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

What do you call a French man in sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.

Why did the biscuit cry?
Cos his mum had been a wafer too long.

What happened to the magic tractor?
It turned into a field!

Jim and Tori decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their nine-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Smiths have company," he called out, Matt's riding a new bike, and the Sanders are having sex." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Got caught for drunk driving last night, was taken to the station to give a urine sample.
I knew it would be positive so I stole the sample and hid it.
The police charged me with taking the piss.

What do you call someone who used to like tractors, but not any more?
An extractor fan.

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's something wrong with my leg. It keeps talking to me."
The Doctor bends down and listens to the leg. The leg is saying "Give me a fiver, Give me a fiver."
The doctor says..."I know what's wrong with your leg. It's broke!"

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?"
The man says "A premature ejaculation."
"What?" says the woman.
The man says "I've just come in my pants."

Four fonts walk into a bar.
The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here."

I was queuing up for the night club last night. Eventually it was my turn to go in. The bouncer searches me and pulls out a pair of jump leads from pocket.
"Sorry mate you can't take those in."
"Why not?"
"You might start something!"

A rabbit goes into a bar. "Do you serve toasted sandwiches?" he asks.
"Aye, we have cheese, cheese and onion or cheese and tomato" replies the barman.
"Can I have a cheese toastie and a pint of bitter then?" asks the rabbit.
"Well, I'll gladly give you the toastie but I'd be careful with the beer, it's bad for rabbits."
"Don't worry," says the rabbit "just give me the pint."
Drinks pint eats toastie.
"Mmm, can I have another pint and a cheese and onion toastie?" he asks.
The barman serves him but tries again to warn him off the beer but the rabbit insists on a second pint.
"Mmm, lovely that. Can I have a cheese and tomato toastie and a pint?" he asks.
"Here's you're toastie but you're pushing your luck having a third pint.
It's very bad for rabbits."
But the rabbit insists. After the third toastie and pint he leaves the pub. Later the barman is heading home after locking up when he hears a coughing and spluttering sound coming from the gutter. He looks down and sees the rabbit who looks very ill indeed.
"I told you that beer was bad for you." says the barman.
"It... wasn't... the... beer," gasps the rabbit, "it... was... mixing ma toasties!"

Q: What's ET short for?
A: Because he's got tiny legs.

Q: Did you hear about the cowboy with no legs?
A: He was a low down bum.

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring... You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen!"

Mrs. Cohen came home from her Sisterhood meeting at the synagogue. She was very excited, and explained to her husband that the guest at the meeting had been a wonderful hypnotist.
Mr. Cohen then mentioned that attendance was down at the Saturday Maybe they should hire the hypnotist to bring in a crowd. He talked it over with the rabbi, who thought it was a terrific idea.
After lots of publicizing, the synagogue was filled for the Sabbath. The hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. As the crowd observed, mesmerized, the hypnotist began, "Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch."
The congregation carefully observed, their eyes following the sway of the watch. "Vatch the vatch," the hypnotist continued. Then, accidentally, the watch fell out of his hand.
"Shit!" he cried.
Took them three weeks to clean up the synagogue.

A man walked into a doctor's office, with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. What's the matter with me?" he asked.
The doctor replied, "You're not eating properly."

Hear about that ship crash?
A ship carrying red paint & a ship carrying blue paint collided. Apparently, the crew were marooned.

A doctor has got into the habit of having a hazelnut daiquiri at a local bar after knocking off work every day at 5:30. After a while the bartender starts mixing the drink just before he gets in, so as to have it ready for him when he arrives. One day at about 5:25 the bartender realises that he's run out of hazelnut extract: but rummaging around in the cupboards he manages to find some hickory essence, so uses that instead and hopes the doctor won't notice. But after taking one sip, the doctor says "Hey, this doesn't taste like a hazelnut daiquiri to me", to which the bartender has to reply "Actually, you're right. It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

There was a haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townsfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all. A journalist for the local paper was assigned to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots. The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed. Just then the manager of the paper came by and asked him how the pictures turned out. Well, replied the writer, "The spirit was willing but the flash was weak."

An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer swilling and in his well educated voice asks the bartender, "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man."
One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a man's drink is that?" Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you Pom! Gin and tonic -- are you gay or something?"
"Ac...actually," the Englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a taxidermist."
"Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist then?"
"I mount d..d..dead animals."
"It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "He's one of us!

A guy's out jogging and he spots a brand new tennis ball lying in the road. He picks it up and slips it into his shorts' pocket. Later, he's standing on a corner waiting for the light to change. A woman is standing next to him, and she sees the bulge in his shorts, so she says, "What's that?"
He says, "Tennis ball."
She says, "Oh, that must be painful... I had tennis elbow once."

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
"Me ship got caught in a terrible storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."

There was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

Q: What's Green and Hard?
A: A Frog with a knife!

"Ey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, I not come work."
The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
About 2 hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. You got nice house."

Jelly Baby had developed an embarrassing rash, so he thought he would go and see a doctor to get an expert opinion. The doctor examined him carefully, then he looked at Jelly Baby and said "I'm not sure what's wrong, we'll have to take a sample and you'll have to come back in two days for the result".
Two days later he returns for the test result and the doctor says "We've got the result; Jelly Baby, you've picked up a sexually transmitted disease".
Jelly Baby looked at the doc and said "Well, is that it?".
"You don't sound very surprised Jelly Baby", said the doc.
Jelly Baby replied "I'm not, I've been with Allsorts!"

A Russian scientist and a Czech scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.
The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists.
The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?" The other ranger responded, "Of course..."
"The Czech is in the male."

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you lad?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't youself have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Classic Tommy Cooper

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaaaagghhhh|" and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

He said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said "Yes, this is my livelihood."

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said "I want to buy an ice-cream". He said "Hundreds & thousands?" I said "We'll start with one."

I went to Millets and said "I want to buy a tent." He said "To camp?", I said butchly! "Sorry, I want to buy a tent." I said "I also want to buy a caravan." He said "Camper?" I said campily! "Make your mind up."

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside my house." He said "I'm not stopping you."

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then."

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time." The man replied "I know I've been ill."

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said "Well don't go there any more."

Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl. She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to her place "for a coffee". When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable....
Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee. "I am your sex slave!" she says, "I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want."
Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't believe his luck so he says: "I really fancy a 69"
"Fuck Off" replies the girl... "I'm not cooking at this time of night."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK, I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions."
Girl: "OK."
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic:"OK Sharon, where are you bleeding from?"
Girl: "Romford."

Guy goes into a fishmonger with a carp under his arm. "Do you have any fishcakes?"
"As a matter of fact we do, sir."
"Thank goodness for that, it's his birthday tomorrow".

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