Groan VIII

This page last updated: 3 April 2001.

Japan has banned all animal movements after discovering some nibbled beds in Tokyo. They think it could be an outbreak of Futon Mouse.

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed a ten pence piece?
Nurse: No change yet.

Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A man takes his cat to the Vet in Barnsley.
The Vet asks, "Is it a Tom?"
To which the man replies, "Nay Lad, I've brought it wimme!"

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "Socks!"

An American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man are shipwrecked on a desert island. Being American, the yank decides to take charge.
"Right. I'm a builder, so I can build us a house out of trees" he says
"You" he says to the Frenchman "can you cook?"
"Oui" comes the reply, "the French are the best cooks in the world!"
"Okay - get cooking - Now you!" He points at the Japanese man "Can you sort out some supplies?"
"Okay" is the reply "I do good supplies" and he runs off into the jungle.
The next morning, the American has built a shelter and the frenchman has cooked a wonderful meal. However, the Japanese man still has not come back.
"He can't have taken this long to get the supplies" says the American "We'd better look for him." And so the two trudge off into the jungle to find the japanese man.
As they get to the first tree, they step past it and the Japanese man leaps on them screaming "SUPPLIES!"

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Q: Why are all teachers crosseyed?
A: 'Cos they can't control their pupils.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director." And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road."

Q: Why don't estate agents look out the window in the morning?
A: Because if they did, they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon

Q: What do you call a donkey with only 3 legs?
A: A wonkey!

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent. "That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"
"That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?"
"Hark I hear the cannons roar" says the agent.
"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening".
The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer.
"I'm, hark I hear the cannons roar"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', you're late, get up to makeup straight away."
So he runs up to make up. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on."
So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you" asks the stage manager.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', get on there, the curtains about to go up."
So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT."

A guy goes into a bar and notices a gorgeous young woman in the tightest trousers he's ever seen. He goes over to her, and says, "Listen, I just have to ask. How does a person get into those trousers?"
She smiles, "Well, to start with, you could offer to buy me a drink".

During her annual checkup a woman confided in her doctor. She complained that her husband constantly wanted to have sex. A day wouldn't go by without him needing to do it three or four times.
The sympathetic doctor, understanding the frustrated woman's plight, suggested that she should start charging her husband for his amorous demands. The woman thought it a marvellous idea, so together they drew up the following "menu":
1. on the rug - Ł25.00
2. in the shower - Ł50.00
3. on the sofa - Ł75.00
4. on the bed - Ł100.00
Later on that evening, her husband arrived home as horny as usual, and asked for a pre-dinner treat. The woman explained to her husband that for many years she had submitted to his every request, and that it was only right that she should receive payment for going over and beyond the call of duty. At this point, she handed her husband the "menu".
To her surprise, her husband agreed immediately, opened his wallet and gave her Ł100.
Elated, she told him to give her fifteen minutes to freshen up, then she would meet him upstairs in bed.
"Bed?" said the husband, "that's for four times on the rug!"

As the time for migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by 'plane. When they checked in their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" he asked.
"No, thanks," replied one of the vultures, "they're carrion."

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

Mother: I'm afraid our son has decided to take up acting.
Father: What's so bad about that?
Mother: Well, he's gotten so big that whenever he appears in a play he crashes right through the floor.
Father: Don't worry about it. It's a stage he's going through.

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