Groan VII

This page last updated: 3 April 2001.

Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours of surgery.
Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. "Tell me" said the carrot, "how is he?"
The doctor replied, "He's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

A man goes into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint of rat.
"A pint of rat? We don't do that here sir" replies the barman.
The man says he is willing to pay well for it so after settling a price the barman goes into the cellar and waits for a passing rat. After seeing a nice juicy one he jumps out and decapitates it. He puts the rat in a beer glass and goes back upstairs.
"That will be Ł100 please sir" Says the barman.
The man looks at it and says "I'm not paying that - it's got no head on it!!!"

A man is sitting in a pub talking to this guy and asks him what he does.
The guy replies I am a professor of Logic.
What's that then? The guy asks
The professor replies "Well it's a bit hard to explain but I'll give you an example."
He proceeds to ask him:
"Do you have a goldfish?"
"Yes I do."
"Well logic would deduce that you either keep it in a tank or in a pond."
"I keep it in my pond." the guy replies.
"Well logic would imply that if you have a pond you have a large garden."
"Yes I do."
"Well if you have a large garden logic implies you have a large house."
"Yes that's correct."
"Well if you have a large house you have many bedrooms."
"Yes 5 in fact."
"Well logic would deduce that you have a large family."
"Yes I do, I have 4 children."
"Well the Logic would deduce that you have a good sex life."
"Yes I do, I love my wife deeply."
"Well then logic would deduce that you don't masturbate very much."
"No I don't have the need."
"Well that is what a professor of logic is."
The guy is impressed by this demonstration. The next day he is talking to his mate and tells him about this professor of logic he met the day before. His asks him what is a professor of logic. He then tells him it is hard to explain but he will give him an example.
He asks him if he has goldfish. His friend replies that he does not.
"Well in that case you are a wanker."

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting exposition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, OOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!. I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said OOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!

A man was walking home alone on Halloween when he heard a "BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. "BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..."
The man began to run towards his home and the coffin bounced after him faster...faster... faster... BUMPBUMPBUMPBUMP!
He ran up to his door, fumbling with his keys, got the door open, rushed in and locked the door behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP BUMP BUMP on the heels of the terrified man.
The man rushed upstairs to his bathroom and locked himself in, his heart pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly towards him.
The man, screaming, started throwing things, anything he could find. He threw the soap, the coffin came towards him. He threw the shampoo, still it came. He wrenched open the bathroom cabinet and threw the shaving cream, the aftershave even his haemorrhoid ointment, still the coffin came.
Finally the man threw the only thing left; a packet of cough drops...
The coffin stopped.

One day Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, bridge rolls, pitted olives, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps descends on him from a great height and knocks him to the ground.
"Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath "It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"

This ninety year old man who lived in a old folks home sneaked out to the pub and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and told the barman to buy the lovely young lady a drink too.
As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her house, where they got it on.
Four or five days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and went to see the doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man said, "Sure!"
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.
The old man said, "Sure, why?"
The doctor replied, "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to come."

Man walks into the pub with a big lump of tarmac under his arm.
"What would you like, Sir?" asked the barman.
"I'll have one pint, please, and one for the road."

One day, a Smartie and a Polo were enjoying a quiet drink in a bar. The bar door opened, and in walked a Humbug.
"Oh Shit" shouted the Polo, diving underneath the table.
"What are you doing?" said the Smartie."That humbug always slaps me and bullies me whenever I see him, so I'mhiding" said the Polo.
"You should stand up to him" said the Smartie. "He'll respect you if you do"
Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a smack. "Piss off you stripey twat, or I'll knock you out" said Polo.
"Na, no problem Polo mate, leave it" said Humbug.
Next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the bar, when Humbug walks in with his friend, Tune. "Oh shit" shouted Smartie, diving underneath the table.
"What are you doing?" shouted Polo, "I know you told me to stand up to bullies, but he's with Tune" said Smartie.
"So?" said Polo.
"He's fucking menthol" said Smartie.

A guy walks into a bar and says "Bartender, 10 tequilas!!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "whoa buddy, what's up? Have a bad day or something?"
"Well, I went home today and found out that my son is gay..."
"That's tough", said the bartender... "Here's your tequilas, I can see why you're upset"..
The next day the man walks into the same bar and says "Bartender, 20 tequilas!!!"
Again the bartender looks at him and says "Jesus buddy, what now?"
"Well", said the man, "I just went home and found out my other son is gay"...
"Jesus, pal... That's awful... I can see why you're upset.... Have these 20 on the house"...
Next day, same guy, same bar...."Bartender, 30 tequilas!"
The bartender spins around, looks at the man and says "For Christ's sakes, doesn't anyone in your house like women?"
"Well, apparently my wife does"... replied the man.

A chemist walks into a bar and says to the barman "I'd like a pint of adenosine triphosphate, please."
"Certainly", replies the barman, "That'll be 80p."

God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Q: What sits on your shoulder and says "Pieces of seven, Pieces of Seven."
A: A Parity Error

A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a Frenchman were approached by a reporter. "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
Saudi: "What's a shortage?"
Russian: "What's meat?"
North Korean: "What's an opinion?"
Frenchman: "Excuse me? What's excuse me?"

"Employee Performance Appraisal":
Name:
Title:
Department:
Supervisor:
____________________________________
KNOWLEDGE
[ ] Bastard really knows his shit
[ ] Knows most aspects of his job
[ ] Knows enough to be dangerous
[ ] Wouldn't know his own name
[ ] This turkey is brain dead
ACCURACY
[ ] Does excellent work if not preoccupied with sex
[ ] Pretty good only occasionally loses it
[ ] Doesn't give a shit about his output
[ ] Does shitty work and constantly screws up
[ ] Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice
WORK SPEED
[ ] Fastest bastard I've ever seen
[ ] Fast when it suits him
[ ] Fast while being watched
[ ] Needs his ass kicked every 5 minutes
[ ] Moves as if in a coma
DEPENDABILITY
[ ] A very dependable little crawler
[ ] Usually dependable if not pushed
[ ] Conscientious if sexual urges satisfied
[ ] Always the first to leave
[ ] Completely unreliable in all things
CO-OPERATION
[ ] Extremely co-operative team member
[ ] Harmonious little brown nose
[ ] Co-operative only if coerced
[ ] Doesn't get on well with others
[ ] Doesn't give a shit, never has
APPEARANCE
[ ] Very neat and tidy, even combs his pubic hair
[ ] Neat and tidy when trying to impress
[ ] Needs to be introduced to toothpaste and deodorant
[ ] Sloppy dirty bastard
[ ] Flies leave fresh dogshit to follow him
PUNCTUALITY
[ ] So early we wonder if he goes home
[ ] Usually on time
[ ] Only late when there's a good reason
[ ] Late too often without excuse
[ ] Arrives so late, only half the staff have met him
LEADERSHIP
[ ] Kicks ass and gets things done
[ ] Constantly pisses off the troops
[ ] Sometimes told to get stuffed
[ ] Only cleaners obey him
[ ] Couldn't lead a starving dingo to fresh meat

An 80-year-old millionaire becomes engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old model. He goes to his doctor for a checkup a couple of weeks before the wedding date. The doctor looks him over and says, "Bill, you seem completely healthy but I must tell you one thing."
"What's that?", asks the millionaire.
"At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take care it could be really deadly" the doctor replies.
Bill thinks for a minute and then says, "What the hell, if she dies she dies."

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: What's white and slides down the toilet door?
A: George Michael's latest release.

Yesterday, scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them lost all sense of reasoning, started talking nonsense, and couldn't drive.

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