Groan VI

This page last updated: 7April 2001.
Bloke gets locked out of his car and is desperately trying everything to get in! Up walks a stranger and starts rubbing his bottom against the car and hey presto the door opens!!!
"How did you do that?" the bloke said.
He answered "I've got my khaki trousers on!"
Q: Why was the gay sergeant kicked out of the service?
A: He was found playing with his privates.
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were there to give me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, you're a damned jinx!"
A man got lost in the forest one night when he came across a band of monks. They invited him to stay the night at their monastery, as it was close by. He agreed, and they travelled there at once.
After dinner (which was excellent) he sat back to watch the entertainment that came on. Much to his surprise, one monk came on and simply shouted:
"284"
at which the watching audience heartily chuckled. Bemused, he watched as the monk said:
"795."
and the crowd erupted in laughter.
"What's going on?" he asked the nearest Brother.
"Oh, we aren't allowed to tell jokes in public because of our order's sacred allowances. So we all learn a huge joke book and the stand up tells us the number of the joke - we remember it and laugh."
Just then the crowd of Monks all cracked up at the number "327".
"This is easy!" says our hero "Let me have a go."
The brothers agree, and he takes the stage:
"22" he starts, and the crowd titter.
"974", and the Monks laugh loudly,
"1267" he shouts, and the Monks begin to crack up hysterically, falling on the floor and wetting themselves with laughter.
After a few minutes of this the man asks what the problem is:
"Well," replies one giggling Brother "We haven't heard that one before!!"
A woman walks into an agents office and says "I want to be on stage or TV" to which the agent replies, "well, what do you do?"
The woman says, "well I cant sing or dance, but I can do this..." She picks up her skirt and starts to whistle twinkle twinkle little star out of her minge. "THAT'S FANTASTIC!" the agent says, "Hang on a minute," he picks up the phone and calls one of his agent friends, "Listen to this" he says to his friend excitedly and puts the telephone next to the woman's minge, she starts to whistle the tune again in perfect rhythm. " what do you think of that?" he says to his mate. "Just sounds like some cunt whistling to me!"
A young truck driver comes into a roadside cafe looking fraught. "I've just hit a pig and now its all mangled into my radiator." he says.
A grizzled loking old trucker looks up from his egg and chips:
"Hey buddy, its no big deal. It happens to all of us sooner or later.
You gotta get a hack saw and cut the legs off, then chop into the torso with an axe until the bits are small enough to fall out through the metalwork."
The young driver looks round at the other truckers, who all grunt and nod in agreement, and leaves. Half an hour later he comes back in covered in blood and guts and says "Okay, done that. Now how do I get the motorcycle out?"
Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Q: Why do mice have small balls?
A: Because so few of them can dance.
Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.
The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the pheremones floating around, is just glad to have someone new to talk to.
"This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!" They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"
Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself:
"Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
"Gerry" Paddy whispers "that woman - it's Mother Theresa"
"Nonsense" replies Gerry "of course it isn't"
"It is" Paddy says "I'll ask her"
So up they walk, and Paddy blurts out "Are you Mother Theresa?"
"Fook tha boths of you ya dorty porvorts" comes the reply, and the woman storms off.
Paddy and Gerry are crestfallen, "Now we'll never know!"
Q: What pleasure does a monk get?
A: Nun.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A: dead poodle with an 18 inch arsehole.
Q: What's an Essex Girl's favourite wine?
A: "I wanna go to Lakesiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!"
Q: What's pink and fluffy?
A: Pink fluff.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: What's round and naughty?
A: Nought!
Q: Do you know what it means to come home to a woman who'll give you love, affection, tenderness and understanding?
A: It means you're in the wrong house.
Procrastinator's Calendar
     NEG  FRI  FRI  FRI  THU  WED  TUE

       8    7    6    5    4    3    2

      16   15   14   12   11   10    9

      23   22   21   20   19   18   17

      32   30   28   27   26   25   24

      39   38   37   36   35   34   33
  1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.
  2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays.
  3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs.
  4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.
  5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.
  6. A new day -- Negotiation Day -- has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.
Q: What do you call a bag of fannies?
A: Clitoris Allsorts.
A blonde gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's going on here?' she says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the man. she rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her 4-year old son comes up and says, "Mummy! Mummy!, Auntie Jane's hiding in your wardrobe closet and she's got no clothes on!" The woman slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past her screaming husband, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You BITCH!!!," says the wife, "my husband's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!"
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
A Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. Barman says, "Hey, you're a duck"
"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.
"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK" says the barman.
"Guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a beer please."
Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area. "Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over there. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint."
And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager. Next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. Circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck.
"You should get it into your circus," he says. "Make a lot of money out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it."
Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime. Barman says: "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you."
"Really?" says the duck.
"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."
"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"
"That's right."
"That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?"
"Yeah!"
"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.
"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen."
The duck looked very puzzled. "What the fuck would he want with a plasterer?"
Two bits of road, red tarmac and black tarmac, sitting in the pub having a quiet pint.
Concrete walks in, red tarmac starts looking nervous. Black tarmac asks what the problem is, red tarmac explains that concrete picks on him. "Stand up for your self" says Black tarmac, "don't let him push you around".
Just then, concrete spots the two bits of tarmac.
"Oi, red Tarmac, buy us a pint, now." Red tarmac, refuses and is invited outside, where to his surprise he gives concrete a sound kicking and sends him home.
Full of pride, red tarmac returns to his pint and enjoys the rest of the evening.
The next week, red tarmac and black tarmac are sitting in the pub when concrete walks in, this time he's not alone, he's with green tarmac. Red tarmac starts sweating profusely, black tarmac notices his friend's reaction and asks what the problem is, "You gave concrete a right kicking last week?".
"Aye, but have you seen who he's with? Green tarmac, he's a fucking cycle path!!"
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