Groan V

This page last updated: 7 April 2001.
Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A: S&M&M.
Three young offenders are sitting at their tea break in the kitchen smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear.
One of the inmates stands up and says, 'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen store and make one of my speciality spliffs.'
Off he goes into the store where he takes some cumin, turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff. On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he's still out cold, so they shout on a officer, tell him what has happened and he calls for a nurse. She arrives, and when she can't get any response from him, gets him took to the F.R.I.
On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care. The doctor returns to his escorting officers and asks, "So what was he doing then Cannabis?"
"Well sort of", replies one of the officers, 'But they ran out of gear, so they made a home-made spliff."
"Oh" replies the doctor, "so what did they use?"
"Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices."
The doctor sighs, "Well that explains it."
"Why, what's wrong with him?" demands one of the officers.
The doctor replies, "He's in a korma."
Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet the first and the chap replies: "FAIR fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin'.race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o'a grace As lang 's my arm."
Tony, being somewhat confused(easily done)goes to the next patient and greets him. The chap replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."
The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!"
Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is. A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked: "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two," he answered.
Q: How do you get 10,000 Peekacho on a bus?
A: Pokemon.
A young blonde female stockbroker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paintwork.
One cheque later and off she was tearing down leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and quickly concluded that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong.
Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AA and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given birth to triplets.
"You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times?" said the one.
"Amazing! How did she ever find time to do any housework?"
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four!...Three!...Two!...One!
My dog Minton ate all my shuttle cocks.
Bad Minton.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in his muesli?
He was pulled under by a strong currant
Tiger Woods drives his huge Volvo into a garage in Cork, on his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Cork manner, unawares as to who the golf pro. is.... "Top of the morning to you etc., etc"
Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the pump, but two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground. "What are dey Son?" says the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods.
"What're they for?" enquires the Cork man.
"They're for putting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger Woods.
"Jaysus", says the Cork man, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of everyting!!!"
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