Groan IX

This page last updated: 5 May 2001.

A shipment of Viagra arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the pharmacy distribution warehouse. Scotland Yard has warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

Bloke walks into a library and says, "Cheeseburger, fries and a coke please."
Woman behind the desk says, "This is a library, you know."
Bloke blushes in embarrassment and whispers, "Sorry: cheeseburger, fries and a coke please."

Chap is driving along one day and he sees a penguin by the side of the road, so he stops and puts it in the passenger seat. He needs petrol, and the attendant says "What's that in your car?"
"It's a penguin." he says. "You should take that to the zoo." says the attendant.
"That's a good idea." he says.
That evening he drops into the petrol station again, and the attendant says "You've still got the penguin with you, I thought you were going to take it to the zoo."
"I did," he says "and I took it to the cinema and to McDonalds, now we're on our way to the theatre."

A man walked into a pub leading an elephant. After he had bought a pint for himself and a gallon for the elephant, the landlord struck up a conversation with him and it naturally swung around to the subject of the elephant.
"Yes sir!" said the man, "This elephant is a very clever elephant. I bet you a quid he could do anything."
"Okay," replied the landlord, "see that cat over there? Make him fuck it."
So the man tapped the elephant on the trunk and pointed to the cat. The elephant, his bucket of beer drunk, tramped over to the cat, raised his front foot, and squashed it into cat jam.
Looking up from the gooey mess, the man said to the landlord, "There, that's fucked it."

A martian lands on Earth on a village green. Feeling thirsty he pops into the pub.
"A pint of your best bitter please landlord."
"No, I'm sorry mate, we don't serve Martians here. It's against the law, now hop it."
The Martian leaves but returns the following day.
"A pint of your best bitter please landlord."
"Look pal, I told you yesterday, I can't serve you, now clear off before I get the law."
The Martian leaves but undaunted returns the following day.
"A pint of your best bitter please landlord."
"Clear off mate, I've told you twice before, I won't tell you again, now clear off."
"Look, I'll tell you what, if I get a round in for everyone in the pub will you sell one to me>"
The landlord looks around a packed bar,all of whom look very pleased at the prospect of a free drink. So reluctantly he agrees. When he's served everyone he puls a pint for the Martian, goes to the till and rings up Ł94.96.
"Oh blast!" says the Martian, "Can you change a Zonk?"

Q: What do you get if you cross a Spurs fan with a baboon?
A: A mentally retarded baboon.

A punk is walking down the road wearing a black armband. A curious passer-by asks him the reason.
"My girlfriend has just died of V.D." was the reply.
"But that's impossible" said the passer-by, "You don't die from V.D. nowadays."
"You do if you give it to me."

A nun is doing her laundry. She's got her outfits in a sink and she's trying to get the colour back into them. She's getting really frustrated when a priest walks in.
"What's wrong, sister?" he asks...
"Well this is the outfit that I used to wear, and I'd like to start wearing it again. But I can't get the colour back," she complains.
"Well," says the priest: "old habits dye hard."

A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription.
A nurse walked by and said, "Excuse me, Doctor, but you're trying to write with your thermometer."
The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, "Dammit! Some asshole has my pen."

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!"
Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. "You should have said, "The bull is surprising the cow" - not some filth you picked up in the City." he says.
A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!"
The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not *cows*. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know...".
"Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He's fucking the horse!"

Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m.?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

Did you hear the one about the spanish fireman?
He had two sons - José and... Hose B.

Guy goes into a bank brandishing a shotgun. "Hand over the money or you're geography!"
Teller says, "Don't you mean history?"
Guy replies, "Don't change the subject!"

A cop sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet. Turning to the cop on his right he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"
"Nope," came the reply.
Then, turning to the cop on his left, he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"
The man also replied, "Nope."
"Shit. It must be an inside job." he murmured.

Q: What have monkeys and chainsaws got in common?
A: They both fuck up trees.

Paddy falls down a well.
Murphy shouts down to him "Are you all right Paddy? Have you broken anything?"
Paddy shouts back "There's nothing down here to break!"

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:
"Sir. I really need you to do me a favour, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a buisness there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favour. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"
So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.
"Are you STUPID or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't I want my money back you $%^@$!"
While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him:
Guy1, "Look at this guy he is pissed!"
Guy2, "Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim."

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