Groan IV

This page last updated: 7 April 2001.

A cowboy rides into town, ties his horse up to the hitching post, walks around to the rear oh his horse lifts up the tail and kisses the horses asshole. The cowboy then enters the saloon. Another cowboy asks the rider, "did I see you do what I think you did?" "Yup" answers the first cowboy, "Chapped lips!" The second cowboy says, "oh, it cures chapped lips?" The first cowboy says, "Nope, but it keeps you from licking them!"

A very wealthy guy was having a party at his house. He had everything.....tens of millions in the bank, a 500 acre estate in the country, fast cars, fast women, planes, stocks and shares - in short, anything he wanted.
He was also a little eccentric and had filled his swimming pool with crocodiles. So at the party he and his friends are all standing around drinking and having a laugh next to the pool, but he was bored. He gets up on the lifeguard's chair and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says, "OK, the first person who swims across my pool will get all my money." No one moves.
The guy looks over the crowd and says, "OK, the first person who swims across my pool gets all my money and my house." Still no one moves.
"OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house, and all my cars and planes." Still, no one moves. Nobody bats an eyelid.
"Ok then, lets make it interesting; all my money, my house, my cars and planes, all of my property, all my stocks, my bonds and investments and all the pussy you can handle - everything I own!"
SPLASH!! Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. There's some blood, but finally he gets out of the pool on the other side.
The crowd went mad and the rich bloke jumps down from the chair and runs over to him. "That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done!
Do you want the money now or later?"
"I don't want the money."
"Do you want the house now or later?"
"I don't want the house."
"Do you want the cars or the planes?"
"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"
"I don't want that either."
"Do you want the girls now or later?"
"I don't want the girls."
The rich man looks at him and says, "Well, what the hell do you want?!?!".... "I want the fucker who pushed me in."

Having missed a day of school, the teacher asked Little Tommy for an excuse. Little Tommy said, "I missed school yesterday because grandpa' got burned."
"Oh my!" said the teacher, "that's awful, well is he alright?"
"Oh no," said Little Tommy, "they don't fuck around at the crematorium."

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where - your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No shit? What law firm do you work for?"

Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear. "What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically. "Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt your head" replies the Doc.
"How the bloody hell will that help?"
"Easy", replies the Doc, "When the chocolate cools it should come out a treat."

Soon after dying, Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace, and Princess Diana were all standing at the gates of heaven with St Peter.
When they asked to go in He said "Sorry there's no room left in heaven for any more of you"
However mother Teresa comes out of heaven saying she would like to spend some time in hell, warming her feet by the fire.
"OK" said St Peter "each prove to me how much you can offer to heaven and I'll decide who gets the last place."
Freddie Mercury said "I can help the choir boys tone their singing to perfection"
Gianni Versace said "I can make wonderfully crafted robes for the angels, making them beautiful"
Diana said nothing but took off all of her clothes and sprayed a bottle of mineral water all over her fanny.
St Peter "OK Diana wins it!"
GV & FM "What? She didn't say anything"
St Peter "She didn't have to, everybody knows a Royal Flush beats two Queens!

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

The day after a man's wife disappeared in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the harbour."
"Oh my god!," said Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Wilkins demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, "Don't you want to participate in our competition?"
The guy asks "What's it all about?" The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint!"
The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate, the steaks are too high!"

Q: How do you kill an entire Circus company in one go?
A: Go for the Juggler!

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year... maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom." And she yells, "Fuck You", and I holler back, "Fuck You too"

A brain and a pair of jump leads walk into a bar. The jump leads sit down and the brain goes over to the bar.
"Two pints of lager and pint of best bitter please" said the brain.
"I'm not serving you" said the barman.
"Why ever not" replied the brain, aghast.
"Because you're out of your head and they look like they're going to start something."

A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.
Police suspect a cereal killer.

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