Groan III

This page last updated: 7 April 2001.

Kids up in Manchester have been crushing up Ecstasy tablets and injecting themselves in the mouth with dental syringes. It's called... E by gum

A man goes to the doctor a complains that he has a strawberry stuck up his arse. "It's OK", says the Doctor. "I've got some cream for that".

Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Q: Where do you find a no-legged dog?
A: Right where you left him.

An Irish bloke goes to the Doctor.
"Dactor, it's me arse. I'd loik ya ta take a look, if ya woot. Oi'm in acony."
So the Doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible", he says, "There is a Ł20 note lodged up here".
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the Paddy's arse, and then a Ł10 appears.
"This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur Gads sake get it out, man" shrieks the patient.The Doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another.
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. How moch is dare, den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
"Ł1990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling too grand"

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind, and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat.
As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" She eagerly exclaims, "YES!" As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."

Q: What goes dot dash dot dash buzz and then bites you?
A: A morsequito

A guy goes into the doctor's "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning"
"I don't believe you" said Dolly.
"It's true," said Daisy, "straight up no bull!"

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock on the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: "You sign! You sign!". Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to yell, even louder: "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him: "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Go away" and shuts the door in his face.
The next day Nelson hears a knock on the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back, this time with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling: "You sign! You sign!". Mr Mandela is getting a bit annoyed by now, and so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in his face again.
The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Chinese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!".
Behind him are two large trucks full of car parts. Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little Chinese man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard,and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

Mickey Mouse is in court divorcing Minnie mouse, "So you want to divorce her because her teeth stick out!?" the Judge says"No," says Mickey, "because she's fucking Goofy."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a cowboy walks in and says "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, 'I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,... "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin' "

The posse, headed by the sheriff, stopped at the oldtimer's homestead.
"Say, have you seen the outlaw known as the Brown Paper Cowboy pass this way oldtimer ?" says the sheriff.
"What does he look like ?" replies the oldtimer.
"Well", says the the sheriff, "he has a brown paper hat, brown paper boots, brown paper trousers, a brown paper shirt, a brown paper jacket, a brown paper saddle, brown paper saddlebags, a brown paper horse and a brown paper gun with brown paper bullets."
"What's he wanted for ?", asks the oldtimer.
The sheriff replies... "rustling"

Carlo the ice-cream man's van is parked at the side of the road. Lights flashing, music playing, a big queue of excited kids stretches down the street.
But no sign of Carlo. A copper walking down the road wonders what is going on. Where is Carlo? Why is he not dishing out the ice-cream? He goes over to the van and peers over the high counter. On the floor he spots Carlo, lying very still covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits.
"Get back kids" he shouts.
Moving away so the bemused kids cannot overhear him he gets on his radio to the station. "Sarge get someone down here quick" he stutters "Its Carlo, the ice-cream man... he's topped himself!"

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