Groan II

This page last updated: 7 April 2001.

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

A man rushes into the doctor's office and shouts, "Doctor, doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A man goes into a pub with a steering wheel sticking out of his flies. The barman says, "Do you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your flies?" And the bloke says "Yeah, it's driving me nuts".

A man walks into a bar and asks the barmaid for a double entendre, so she gives him one!

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what are you supposed to be?" the host asks indignantly. "I'm a snail," the bloke replies. The exasperated host asks "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?"
The bloke replies "That's Michelle."

Two cannibals are sitting eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

Ionic Bonding
Sodium: Hey, you have one of my electrons!
Chlorine: Are you sure?
Sodium: I'm positive.

In a budgie cage there are three budgies on three perches. The perches are on three different levels. Which budgie owns the cage? The budgie at the bottom of the cage. The others are on Hire Purchase.

A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his arse. He says to the doctor that he is a little concerned. Upon examination the doctor turns to his patient and says "It's worse than I originally thought... this is just the tip of the iceberg."

Q. What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
A. An armadildo

Two policemen walk into a fancy dress party. They see two mean there, one dressed as a battery and the other as a firework. The police charged one of them, but let the other off.

A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we shouldlearn a foreign language...." "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Q: What do you call a Telly Tubby that has been burgled?
A: A tubby.

A bloke walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
Barman, "that's a nice newt, what do you call it?"
Bloke, "I call it Tiny."
Barman, "Why do you call it Tiny?"
Bloke, "Because its my newt!"

One Sunday morning everyone in a small town went to the local church. Before the services began they sat in their pews talking to each other. Suddenly Satan appeared, in a puff of smoke at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to escape the evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly man, who sat quietly in his pew, not moving.
This confused Satan, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Sure do".
Satan said, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope,sure ain't" replied the man.
Satan was a little perturbed,and asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 43 years".

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Roast it over a open fire until it's bill withers

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost Ł300, she exclaimed, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother!
The man arched an eyebrow, "Anything?"
"Yes, anything," the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me."
He walked into the next room and ordered "Come in and close the door." She did.
He then said, "Get on your knees." She did.
He then said, "Take down my zipper." She did.
He then said "Go ahead take it out." She took it out grabbed hold with both hands then paused. The man closed his eyes, and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said, "Hello, Mum?!"

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.
Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.
Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her. Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but still the guy won't die. So again, he is set free.
Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.
At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret "What is it with the bananas?".
"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it", replies our friend... "I'm just a bad conductor."

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