Groan I

This page last updated: 7 April 2001.

Steve has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Scotland as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Scot standing there.
"Name's Hammi... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Steve, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Hammi is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Hammi stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Damn, Steve thinks. Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people (really?) I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Hammi turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Steve, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... by the way, what should I wear?"
Hammi stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They are both really depressed.
The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed."
"What a coincidence!" he said, "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."
So they start talking and they find that they have much in common so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have kinky sex.
When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight, black leather outfit with a whip, handcuffs, a strap-on cock, and a 12 inch studded dildo. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin.
Then she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door.
"What's going on?", she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?"
He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm all done."

Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"
Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimers disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."
Mr Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't shag her."

There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song Hokey Kokey, died last week at 83.
It was especially difficult for the family to get him in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in and... well, things just started going downhill from there.

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons.
Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other, "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"
The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."

A bloke at a party hears this most wonderful music coming from a different room, so he goes in, and there's a pianist there. He goes up to him: "Say, that's really beautiful - what's it called?"
"It's called, 'I shag my wife up the arse and cum all over her tits'" says the pianist.
"Oh my word! that's rather harsh!" exclaims the bloke.
"But I tell you what - I'm having a dinner party myself next week, and I'd love you to play, but you'll have to tone down your titles a bit, okay?!"
"Okay" says the pianist.
The following week, the party is on and the pianist is playing like a donkey with bricks. So the bloke comes up to him and asks him what's wrong.
"Truth is", he says, "I've go this terrible problem with testosterone build-up and I really need to wank."
"What? Here? Now?"
"Yeah, once I've bashed the bishop, I'll be able to play again. Honest!"
"Alright then"says the bloke. "Go upstairs - there's some mags in the cupboard. But for gods sake, hurry up!"
Ten minutes later, the pianist is back and he sets to work on the piano, once again emitting beautiful tunes. After about half an hour, an old lady, who's been watching him closely for a while comes up and says "Excuse me, but do you know your cock is hanging out and you've got cum all over your trousers?"
"Know it? KNOW IT?" screams the pianist. "Lady, I fucking wrote it!"

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.
There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.
They lived there For a couple of years doing what as natural for men and women. after several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
So................ they buried her.
After yet another couple of months had passed, they were so disgusted with what they were doing that they dug her up again.

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