"Monkey number one, monkey number one, to the television screen please."
The monkey dangles into view, sits down and listens as he is told to release pressure in compartment 2, increase temperature in engine 4, and add oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen. A few moments later, the control centre calls again.
"Monkey number two, monkey number 2, to the television screen please."
The monkey swings towards the monitor, sits down and waits as he is told to add carbon dioxide to room 4, stop the fuel injection to engine 1, add nitrogen to the fuel compartment, and then analyse solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and analysis of solar radiation. Some time later the control centre calls again.
"Woman, woman, to the television screen please."
The woman sits down, and just as she is about to be told what to do she says, "I know, I know... feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."
The French almost never speak of their wives; this is because they fear to speak in front of those people who know them better than themselves. Montesquieu (1689-1755)
A woman, the Bible assures us, was the last of God's creations. He had to have made her on Saturday evening. One can feel the fatigue. Alexandre Dumas Fils (1824-1895)
Women are charming if one can fall into their arms without falling into their hands. Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
Women are like mirrors, they reflect but don't think. Henri Beraud (1885-1958)
My wife and I had a very happy twenty-five years; and then we met. Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)
Never make love on a Saturday evening, because if it rains on the Sunday you will no longer be able to do anything. Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)
Why waste time contradicting your wife? It is much simpler to wait until she changes her mind. Jean Anouilh (1910- )
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? One.
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID #)#(*(*^*% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... That's how many.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.
Why did the army send so many premenstrual women to the Gulf?
Because they fought like animals and retained water for four days.
What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
What's a wife?
It's an attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
£3.00 a minute
How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones
Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap and spreads easy.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those Evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men "break wind" more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many...
Many men say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
How do you turn a fox into a dog?
You marry her.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping in New Bond Street and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted."
The next day hereceived a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What is the most intelligent thing to come out of a woman mouth?
Einstein's cock.
What's the difference between spit and swallow?
Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.
"I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's handsome. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."
...I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without looks fine. Your hair looks fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
...I can be relied on upon to purchase groceries such as milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items such as "cumin" or "tofu". For all I know, these are the same thing.
...I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop the car and ask someone.
...there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
...I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and then I really have to go", and mean it every time, even when it gets to the point that one bar closes and my mates and I have to go and hunt down another.
...you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
...I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss the whole show looking for it.
...when the car isn't running, I will stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another bloke shows up, one of us will say, "I used to fix these things, but now with all these computers, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Time allowed 3 hrs.
Attempt all questions.
Section A (50%)
(a) Why they throw the ball like spastics and catch crocodile style
(b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the showers after the match.
or
Compare and contrast video lesbians with those you have encountered in real life.
(a) White Water Shafting
(b) Three Into One Will Go
(c) King Dong
(d) Speared by Zulu Lovers
Include in your discussion a justification for such films to be considered "art-house" rather than pornographic.