Women Only

And so man was created...

Why are men like public toilets?
They're always vacant, engaged or full of shit.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.

Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
Porcupines have pricks on the outside.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything.

How many honest, intelligent caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

What do men & sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

What is the difference between man and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find single men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They already have boyfriends

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Man says to God "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says "So you would love her"
"But God," the man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God Says: "So she would love you"

Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?
It means you're in the wrong house.

What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centrefold?
Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat,
We clean-they dirty;
We iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

How many men does it take to completely tile a bathroom?
Two, but only if sliced very thinly.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk!

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

When does a man open the door of the car for his wife?
A.When he has a new car.
B.When he has a new wife.

How is a man in bed like microwave food?
30 seconds and he is done.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
Anything they do is odd!

Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

When does a man get hurt by your words?
When you hit him with the dictionary...

What's the most useful part of a man?
A wallet.

What are a woman's four favourite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

Men are like computers...
They're hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

What can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle through it's pecker!

What's the difference between an average man and a doctor?
The doctor is polite when asking you to undress.
The doctor listens when you complain, and the doctor washes his hands before touching you.

Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown...
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying.
A prick is the person who owns it.

Man: Great concept, bad engineering.

Men come in three sizes:
small, medium, and OOoohhh yesss!

Why is virginity like a balloon?
All it takes is one small prick and it's gone.

Husband: "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
Wife: "That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

How are men and batteries different?
Batteries have a positive side.

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. Erica Jong

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. Rita Rudner

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" Judy Tenuta

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. Roseanne

I think, therefore I'm single. Lizz Winstead

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. Elayne Boosler

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. Gilda Radner

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson

Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. Bella Abzug

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. Gloria Steinem

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. Gloria Steinem

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. Katharine Hepburn

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. Marie Corelli

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. Zsa Zsa Gabor

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
   
2. Remember that you are known by the idiot you accompany.
   
3. Don't believe you can change a man-unless he's in diapers.
   
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? Lock the door behind him.
   
5. So many men-so many reasons NOT to sleep with any of them.
   
6. If they can put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
   
7. Tell him you're not his type-you have a pulse.
   
8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be out alone.
   
9. The only reason men are on this planet is, vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
   
10. Never sleep with a man who has named his penis.
    
11. You might as well go for younger men. He will never mature.
    
12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
    
13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
    
14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
    
15. Women don't make fools of men, most men are the do-it-yourself type.
    
16. The best way to get a man to do anything: suggest they may be too old for it.
    
17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener!
    
18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
    
19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years, proving even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
    
20. If he asks what sort of books you like, tell him chequebooks.
    
21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night."
    
22. Don't sleep with men who, if they were women, you wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.
    
23. Remember, a sense of humor doesn't mean you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
    
24. When he asks you if you're faking it, tell him no, you're just practicing.
    
25. When he asks if he's your first, tell him, "You may be. You look familiar."
    
26. Just remember, all men are created equal.

WHAT A MAN HEARS:
Come on....blah, blah, blah
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said "That's once." We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said "That's once.""

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
   
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
   
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the funeral and the wedding
   
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and removing the dead
   
5. Design pattern or splatter stain on the linoleum? You CAN tell the difference!
   
6. Accepting Loss I: If it's empty, you can throw it away
   
7. Accepting Loss II: If the milk expired three weeks ago, keeping it in the refrigerator won't bring it back
   
8. Going to the supermarket: It's not just for women anymore!
   
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the electronics came in
   
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that came in the boxes that the electronics came in
    
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: Let's wash those towels!
    
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Five easy ways to tell when you're about to run out of toilet paper!
    
13. Giving Back to the Community: How to donate 15-year-old Levis to the Goodwill
    
14. Romance: More Than a cable channel!
    
15. Strange But True: She really may NOT care what "Fourth down and ten" means
    
16. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
    
17. Accepting Your Limitations: Just because you have power tools doesn't mean you can fix it

1. We got off the Titanic first.
   
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
   
3. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
   
4. Our boy friend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
   
5. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
   
6. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
   
7. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
   
8. Taxis stop for us.
   
9. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
   
10. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
    
11. Free drinks. Free dinners. Free moving (you get the point).
    
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
    
13. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
    
14. We know the Truth about whether size matters.
    
15. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
    
16. If we have love with someone and don't call them the next day, we're not the devil.
    
17. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of lovemaking.
    
18. If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
    
19. We can sleep our way to the top.
    
20. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
    
21. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
    
22. No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
    
23. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
    
24. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.
    
25. WE never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
    
26. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
    
27. We can congratulate our team mate without ever touching her backside.
    
28. We never have to reach down so often to make sure our privates are still there.
    
29. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
    
30. We don't have to memorize Monty Python to fit in.
    
31. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
    
32. We have an excuse to be a total beast at least once a month.
    
33. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
    
34. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
    
35. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
    
36. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
    
37. Gay waiters don't make us feel uncomfortable.
    
38. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
    
39. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
    
40. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
    
41. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.