Vive Le Difference

Words Men Use
When a guy says, "I'm going fishing"... this really means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in myhand while the fish swim by in complete safety."
When a guy says, "It's a guy thing"... He really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
When a guy asks: "Can I help with dinner?" - what he really means is: "How come dinner isn't already on the table?"
When a guy says, "Yes dear" - What he really means is absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
When a man states: "It takes too long to explain." - What he really means is: "I have no idea how it works."
When a guy says: "Take a break honey, you're working too hard."... What he really means is: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
When a man states: "This is women's work."... What he really means is: "This work is dirty, difficult and thankless."
When a guy says: "I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."... What he really means is: "The girl selling them was a real babe."
When a guy says: "I was listening to you, it's just that I've got things on my mind"... What he really means is: "I was wondering if that blonde over there is wearing a bra."
When a man says, "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." What he really means is: "No one will ever see us alive again!"

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

1. Rugby.
2. Football.
3. How fat you are.
4. How much prettier she is than you.
5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

1. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
3. That depends on what you mean by love.
4. Does it matter?
5. Who, me?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

1. Compared to what?
2. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
4. I've seen fatter.
5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

1. Yes, but you have a better personality
2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
3. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
4. Define pretty?
5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat").

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]

Men's English:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
I love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep bloke then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
Bring food.

AGE     DRINK
17      beer
25      vodka
35      scotch
48      double scotch
66      cod liver oil

AGE     SEDUCTION LINE
17      My parents are away for the weekend.
25      My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35      My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48      My wife is away for the weekend.
66      My wife is dead.

AGE     FAVORITE SPORT
17      sex
25      sex
35      sex
48      channel surfing
66      napping

AGE     DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17      "tongue"
25      "breakfast"
35      "She didn't set back my therapy."
48      "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66      "Got home alive."

AGE     FAVORITE FANTASY
17      a winning goal after the whistle
25      sex in an aeroplane
35      menage a trois
48      taking over the company
66      Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

AGE     WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17      25
25      35
35      48
48      66
66      17

AGE     IDEAL DATE
17      Triple horror special feature at a drive-in
25      "Split the cheque before we go back to my place"
35      "Just come over."
48      "Just come over and cook."
66      Sex in the company jet on the way to Las Vegas.

AGE     DRINK
17      Wine Coolers
25      White wine
35      Red wine
48      Dom Perignon
66      Shot of Jack Daniels with a Napkin chaser

AGE     EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17      Need to wash my hair
25      Need to wash and condition my hair
35      Need to color my hair
48      Need to have Stefan color my hair
66      Need to have Stefan color my wig

AGE     FAVORITE SPORT
17      shopping
25      shopping
35      shopping
48      shopping
66      shopping

AGE     DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17      "McDonalds"
25      "Free meal"
35      "A diamond"
48      "A bigger diamond"
66      "Home Alone"

AGE     FAVORITE FANTASY
17      tall, dark and handsome
25      tall, dark and handsome with money
35      tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48      a man with hair
66      a man

AGE     WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17      17
25      25
35      35
48      48
66      66

AGE     IDEAL DATE
17      He offers to pay
25      He pays
35      He cooks breakfast the next morning
48      He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66      He can chew breakfast

EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Joe, Mark, Andy and Scott will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she does not want.

BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women are not looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does not. A man marries a woman expecting that she will not change and she does.

DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the dustbin, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.

NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, wiggle your dick at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (you don't).
4. Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls, and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
5. Get in the shower.
6. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
7. Wash your face.
8. Wash your armpits.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you let the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, say "Yeah baby" like Austin Powers, and thrust your pelvis at her.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how fat you are.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil.
8. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
9. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
10. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
11. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come off).
12. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
13. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
14. Turn off shower.
15. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
16. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
17. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
19. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any expose skin and then rush to the bedroom and spend an hour and a half getting dressed, putting on makeup, etc.

HER diary reads :
He was in an odd mood this evening. I arrived 5 minutes late at the bar, though he didn't say that was the reason. The conversation was quite slow going, and he bought the first 2 rounds. I thought things weren't going too well so suggested we go somewhere more intimate for a talk. We went to a nice restaurant, but he was still a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up, but it didn't seem to make any difference. I asked him if the problem was me, but he said no. In the taxi back to the house, he was quite moody, and when I offered to pay for the taxi he was quite rude.

I put my arms round him and said I loved him, but he just put his arm round me and said nothing. I did not know what to make of it, and got in a bit of a state and by the time we got to the house I thought he was going to dump me.

When we got in to the house, he just sat and switched on the television. I tried to talk to him but he wasn't interested so I went to bed and sobbed for 10 minutes. He eventually came to bed and we made love. I was very worried this may be the last time. Cried myself to sleep. What will themorning bring ?

HIS diary reads:
Bad day at work At least I got a shag.

STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across thecockpit.

(third paragraph by Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(fourth paragraph by Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Uniilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

(Rebecca)
Asshole.

(Gary)
Bitch.